2016-02-22 09.02.33

Like Yesterday

Hey
What happened to us?

I just want to be
Happy with you
Again

Like yesterday
When you said
That your life
Depended on me
Like mine
Took shelter in
Your arms

Talk to me?

Flawed

Walk on, you
deeply flawed
your soul is
in shreds
you skinned your
every bit
with your
self indulgence
in night time
and in
dread
your curiosity
never killed you
yet left you
deeply
marred
you tried
and failed
it broke you
from the inside
it had you
scarred
your hair falls
loosely
one strand
after another
your skin
sticks
to our bones tightly
like maggots
to a cadaver
your feet are
sinking
slowly
every step
as heavy
as the other
your eyes are
bulging fully
consciousness
waning
no one bothers
you clearly
are a dying
menace
your death
awaits in
lonesome stillness
your stench disrupts
like a hungry sword
but in your
blood runs
a tinge of gold
as another second
is a terrible waste
around eyes
yearning
to cause you pain
and words
working
to defile
your grave
take my hand
Let’s walk away.

The Good Wife

© Jano Boscher Photography

Cast your fears onto the night, as when darkness breaks into glorious light, all is but a memory.

Unbearable

Arms wide
Side to side
Bound
To a long, iron rod
Tightly by a rusty chain
Stabbed from my
Back through
Chest
By a hundred
Flaming nails
While two
Greedy beasts
Feed of my feet
Hungrily up
Towards my neck
Until every inch of me
Becomes nothing
Anyone could
Stomach to look at

I guess I haven’t told you
How much it hurts me to see you cry.
Now I just did.

Lone Sunshine

Lone Sunshine

And as she stood alone, looking down, she dreamed of her death, slow and painful.

Soaked

underwater
sunken
cold
submerged
diluted
hearing nothing
but heavy
far away
nauseous
sounds
blurry sights
from above
the surface
flashed
uncertainty
and paranoia
eyes sore from
harshness of the water
lips, skin, wrinkled and numb
whole body
tensed
and uneasy
struggling to
avoid
an undertow
of horrid
thoughts
every minute
took away
air from lungs
chest hardened
from the incapability to breathe
wouldn’t feel a living heart
in it anymore
sight, whole mind failed
robbed of any sense
and the instinct
to go on
but
where
I floated
felt
somewhat safe
free
and
a few feet
distant
from
disregard
humbly
waiting
hoping
begging
to drown
and disappear
I never
wanted to
surface
back up

Far away

keeping a distance
decent and safe
a meter or two
away from where they stand
secrets
hidden in point
unreachable
afraid
ashamed
to be seen
holding a sin
with hands
filthy
and ignorant
trembling in consciousness
abhorring every second
it pushes in
and heaves out
but
beneath the pit
within the layers
a
piece
of innocent
honesty
lurks

Scents

far away
pouring in
pictures
one
goes
on top
of another
sending in
scenes
sour
and sweet
from places
blurry
distant
heavy waters
flow
gush
from inside
of a shallow
hole
infinitely making
things
reachable

So he sleeps

with eyes closed but all other senses open his ears to noises forcing their way in and out through every hole of his body as he lays on the bed full of sharp objects his skin bleeds insanely his whole body soaked in thick carnal blood he reeks of rotten flesh of his own dead soul pitiful and guilty he couldn’t stand the smell and vomits his guts out from time to time his tongue tastes like bile bitter and hard and sick now his whole head spins like crazy he wishes he can die at the time but simply never could he’s meant to rot alive

Locked

It was painful

locking the door

I learned to open

for a long time

once again

I was back to choosing

being exiled from the rest of world

too many voices

stand on the other side

the wall, as thick as a thousand bricks

was made very thin by

disorientation

I woke up today, sick

and sad,

miserable, even

from yesterday’s clouds

it’s interesting how a short time of

disparity could turn love not even to hatred

but sad indifference

which was far more killing

than all loathing combined in this world

how could yesterday faithfully believed

today would come with another sunshine

No, doesn’t work that way, I figured now

I looked at the clock

it ticked 2:30 AM

my instinct ordered to me to glance

at my side right away

you weren’t there

not anymore

you left me clearly, sleeping

didn’t bother to wake me up

not even a good bye?

I thought it was OK

I said it was OK

A part of me convinced me it was

tried so fucking hard to

but did a very bad job

yesterday wasn’t the best

it was one of those we struggled to get through

but it never struck me really

that it could come to something like this

and as waters built up and

stood by edges of my eyes

I read your message

I needed time to think

I cant be with you

not today

and that’s when the walls gave up

tears

hot, steamy

started flowing

down my face

the embarrassment

of having to cry was really painful

but I couldn’t help it

everything poured down

as if years worth of smiling, laughing

pure happiness

I had with you

all had gushed out and flooded down

all sense left within the four walls of this room

drained me dry, again I was back to

the same scary place I was before you picked me up

I never wanted to be back to the old

miserable, pathetic, angry, unwelcoming

me

I was scared

so fucking scared

it’s nauseatingly quiet

and the only noise I hear are my own sobs

hearing them made me cry even more

as if a thousand needles stuck me everywhere

I was angry

and

pitiful all over again

I miss you

very much

and the most hurtful part was

I couldn’t make you

happy

enough

to

stay

Sadness’ Sides

Misery is deceitful
Disguised as a mocking fleet
Of one thousand glorious chances
Of denial and defeat
Loneliness is good company
An ever faithful friend
It breaks you as it makes you
From beginning and towards end
Sorrow remains a promise
Of sunshine after night
Something you hold on to
When all is out of sight
Regret is what it all is
When the sky loses light
It’s easy to succumb to darkness
And scurry a lifeless flight
Sadness lurks everywhere
Luring your every piece
Hypnotizing you into falling
Into its superficial bliss
Some find comfort in misery
Loneliness sets them free
With sorrow comes peace
In regret, a light to seek

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Between life and death

People have to choose

finding value in life

and some,

fear, or relief, in death

some make every effort

to breathe

to claim

an uncommitted promise

happiness can often be uncertain,

pain is always for sure

but contentment and suffering

are a choice one makes everyday

but often and gravely overlooks

sadness could be an enslavement

and addiction, longing

a path pursued by those

who ask for love

and those who are blind to what it really looks

choosing numbness beyond all

time keeps running

forgetful of people behind

as only it could defy uncertainty

if people could only develop

the patience to hope and wait and strive

life and death

are both to fear

by those who see life as death

and those who see death as an end.

Today I decided

To not speak

Of how I feel

The deepest

Hardest seating

Thoughts

Bleeding through

Gushing

No matter how

Hard I

Tried to clog

These holes

They leaked

Out sadness

No one could bear

Crying should not

Be an option

Weakness was defeat

Frailty was my condemnation

Of this soul

I bore

Pitiful

The eventful show

Of burning body parts

Severed and

Defenselessly being blown

Into small, fine dark ashes

By a miserably angry

Wind

Eyes stared

As judgmental as ever

Indulging themselves

With the sight

Of fiery

Mixing of life and death

My scream of pain

Was a sweet

Melody harmonized

By a thousand symphonic

Evil laughter

Adding ache after ache

Melting flesh

And tendering bones to the fullest

I could stop it

Run away from it

Forget,

Start over

But I wouldn’t

It’s a much deserved suffering

I could not resist

Everyone did not

Want to take on

Anything

But I did

If it’s one last thing I’d do

Before dusk

Good bye was all I could say

To a world I struggled to look at

Differently

Couldn’t say I didn’t try

As I know I did

But things

Run deceitfully

And often times

In ways you wouldn’t

Expect to survive

Today as I decided

To not speak

I’d keep these words

In a secluded spot

No one would ever find a way

To break in

He took a walk

He had to
To clear his mind up
Of things
Different things
Problems
Perhaps
He doesn’t know really
But his impulse told him
As clear as crystal
Go out
You needed time
So the voice inside his head won
He took his word for it
he did go out of the room
Full of emptiness
In the hopes for finding
simplicity
Calmness
Strength to hold his tears up
And keep it together
He’s not one to conceal sadness
But another form of embarassment – not an option
He had sheltered misery
For too long
A chain of time
With a beginning none would talk about or remember
And so he walked and walked
He walked away and fast
The air
Against his face
started to make him feel better
He thanked the heavens
Half-talking to himself
At first
He didn’t know where to go
But
At the end of the long street he walked
Was a building
An old one
He entered without caution
The smell told him
Right away
What the building contained
Books
The fragrance of the old
Sheets of stalked papers
Lingered
And he had to continue on to the insides
It was a library
Or so he thought it was
A house of voices waiting to be heared
Scenes from different minds awaiting
Ears that listen
Pleas, everywhere
Longing, adventure, thrill
Mystery, happiness
Love
He took one from one of the shelves taller than him
He opened it
Scanned it
Read a line or two
It was a story as promising as the ocean
But saddening
He had to put it back
He knew what he came there for
And the truth of it was he wanted to not go out
Back to a world that dismissed
Should he need to leave the place
He promised he’ll be back
Everyday if he must
The place was a solitary shelter
Of nothingness
But not emptiness
As the walls spoke with words
He never heard before
He knew
They longed for him
The place was one that needed him
Finally
A confinement of peace
His peace
As he roamed the place
He found himself going through
All the books
And realizing he’s finishing all of them
When he fell asleep
He dreamt
A voice waking him up
He opened his eyes
A face from the past
Spoke the kindest words
You will not be alone
Not anymore
You will never have to feel that way again
We promise
He looked beyond the face
And people
Dressed in many different clothing
Stood in the background
They were smiling
Smiling back
It was then when he notice he had that happy look in his face
They were ones he got to know and admired and loved
From the books he read
In the place that housed him
And took him for what he was
A soul
Maybe empty
But hopeful and whole
And they came out to say hi
Welcomed him with their smile
What happened in the past
Did not matter
One bit
Not anymore
The sadness, he forgot
He chose to
A thousand years could’ve passed
But he wouldn’t know
Or care
He’s safe and free
And finally,
Home.

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Today I knew

I disappointed you

with my actions

intentions

or lack thereof

today I knew

everyday

my numbness hit you

and left

you,

us,

a scar

immeasurable

and thick

it laid

between

what used to be you and me

the innocence

affection

I feared and more so

regret

that nothing

would ever conceal it

let alone

heal it

not me

or some miracle

my weakness had only

yielded indifference from you

something I might deserve

but would pain me more than a thousand

burning iron rods on my skin

I wish I could disappear

somewhere I could take another

chance at things

somewhere

sins

were forgiven

imperfections were

accepted, understood,

swallowed

somewhere people

are taken for who they

truly were

and not for what they

poorly tried to become

in the efforts to be let in

and to know,

feel,

what true acceptance

meant

but if that’s too much to ask

I wish I could just

start over

and make it up for the lost chance

could you take me in.

could you take me back in.