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A Monster

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But You Said

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The First Time

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You do not need me

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Where do you go

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Hole

He was so used to loving and losing
and other things that caused injury
so on his chest he bore a gaping hole
right where a beating heart should be

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Like Yesterday

Hey
What happened to us?

I just want to be
Happy with you
Again

Like yesterday
When you said
That your life
Depended on me
Like mine
Took shelter in
Your arms

Talk to me?

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Through the Years

Through the Years Through the Years Through the Years Through the Years

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Like Magic

Like Magic

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Thank You

Thank You

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Where Both Poles Meet

Where Both Poles Meet

Flawed

Walk on, you
deeply flawed
your soul is
in shreds
you skinned your
every bit
with your
self indulgence
in night time
and in
dread
your curiosity
never killed you
yet left you
deeply
marred
you tried
and failed
it broke you
from the inside
it had you
scarred
your hair falls
loosely
one strand
after another
your skin
sticks
to our bones tightly
like maggots
to a cadaver
your feet are
sinking
slowly
every step
as heavy
as the other
your eyes are
bulging fully
consciousness
waning
no one bothers
you clearly
are a dying
menace
your death
awaits in
lonesome stillness
your stench disrupts
like a hungry sword
but in your
blood runs
a tinge of gold
as another second
is a terrible waste
around eyes
yearning
to cause you pain
and words
working
to defile
your grave
take my hand
Let’s walk away.

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The Good Wife

The Good Wife

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Escape

Have you ever thought of running away to a place where carelessness is allowed apathy is not a sin and beauty resembles the imperfection of a human’s soul

© Jano Boscher Photography

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Forget

© Jano Boscher Photography

Cast your fears onto the night, as when darkness breaks into glorious light, all is but a memory.

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Light

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To my fellow Filipinos,
When darkness glows
just all too much
for your tired and tearing
eyes to bear

There’s light.

You have always made it through.

When did it all start? Let me recount the times.

Maybe it’s when you said “hi”
And I felt extremely shy
Perhaps it’s when you first smiled
And I swear, I could’ve died
Was it when I first heard you laugh?
Or burp like a cow (I loudly gasped)
Or that one night that I’ll live up
You slept gently on my lap
Could it be our first date?
I never knew then, could it be fate?
Perhaps it’s when together we first ate
And talked how a farm and a house could be built by faith
Maybe it’s when you let me
Squeeze your hands real tightly
I thought dreaming was for the silly
Until you came, saying, “Kiss me”
It’s when your voice started
Becoming music to my ears
It might be when you whispered:
“No more sadness, no more tears”
Perhaps it’s when I realized
Life’s shone brighter before my eyes
It was more than I fantasized
From then on, nothing’s disguised
Maybe it was the first fight
When at a corner I shuddered in fright
Nearly losing you was very much like
My body being robbed of life
You told me once beside you as I lied
That no loss was ever absolutely bad
That tears dry and fears die
Together joy was all we’d have
Ever since I started finding
Myself smiling, never brooding
To love deeply was what you taught me
Your love has kindly set me free
Now, when did it all start?
I do not even know
Save for one thing, I’m certain
With you, I’ll never be alone

Unbearable

Arms wide
Side to side
Bound
To a long, iron rod
Tightly by a rusty chain
Stabbed from my
Back through
Chest
By a hundred
Flaming nails
While two
Greedy beasts
Feed of my feet
Hungrily up
Towards my neck
Until every inch of me
Becomes nothing
Anyone could
Stomach to look at

I guess I haven’t told you
How much it hurts me to see you cry.
Now I just did.

Going Places

I don’t know
With people
I had a laugh or two with
Drinking
Until things become
Blurry
And words become
Nasty
Until whispers
Destroy
My ears
Until senses
Blow
Into a thousand pieces
Until my body loses
The sense of direction
Dancing among
The unholy
Sweating, screaming
Words of the devil
Until I feel
Fine about
Pretending
I exist for a minute
Breathing as normally
As possible
Numbing
Every skin
Ignoring
The throbbing
From within
All for
The sake
Of forgetting
You

The Astronaut

The Astronaut

Walking a Straight Line

quite as thin
as a thread
trying not to
fall on side
cliffs leading down
nowhere beneath clouds
of empty darkness
wind surged against
face almost tearing
skin off eyes
trying not to
see or open
up too wide
dusts could ruin
the only sense
reliable and present
knees wobbly out
of hunger of
uncertainty and of
desperation to come
across breathing
and free was
the dream

Time

Grabs me

By the

Neck and

Chokes me

Way beyond

Death and

All I

Can do

Is stare

At it

And wait

And beg

And ask

What

Do

You

Need

From

Me

©Jano Boscher

The Morning After

A night
Of noises
Deafening, lights
Blinding, blinking
Swirling, alien-like
Flashy, incredibly
Pulling towards
Its depth
Throaty voices
Daunting, heaving
Images, frightful
Senses Tamed
By cruel
Forces

The morning after
Sharp points
Of sunlight
Force their
Way through
Eyes shut
That never
Would open
And ever
Let you
In

The morning after
Was another
Excuse to
Die slowly
Your eyes
Reflecting great
Pain looking
Straight to
Mine asking
For some
Forgiveness, I
Lay there
Enjoying every
Moment Of
It

Mindless words

go out of mouth
dancing to the air
irristable
foolishness
running off, wandered
the devil’s lair
unafraid
and daunting
unwilling to listen
or care
sounds heard
only
from a grave
demons wouldn’t bear
calling from lurid
darkness
and weeping
hardly scared
faith
and trust are a hell
of a waste
to even fucking
dare

Dragged me across a lot

and pinned me down
the ground
my hands
soft and sweaty
stretched across, bound
Your foot at back of my head
I couldn’t hear a sound
pushed your feet
even harder
my vision, forming clouds
hauled me up
from the insult
with hands hard and cold
numbing, trembling,
pulsing
like a raging running horse
stared at me as if I’m an
illness
spit on my face with distinct force
your eyes to mine, piercing
it was the most
hurtful thing
of all

contempt
disgust
indifference

You will never cure the sore.

Taking risks

You know
how I
would often
speak about
uncertainty and
how it
sooner or
later would
kill me
it devours
me right now
sinking its teeth deeply
into my skin
the breath-holding
insecure anticipation
chokes me
to a slow yet
aggressive death
I have had
questions
hard enough
to dispel sincere
answers but
very much
deserve one
and the
ones which
right at
this time
you’re not
very willing
to deal with
I do not
like taking
risks as
chances mock
my ignorance
sad
disappointing
true
but you see
you are
the only
risk I
will ever
take
and you are
worth it

A world doomed to die

is where I dwell
people profusely tumble
down from the top
of the pile
of each others’ foul
naked bodies
as tall as the sky
sweat, tears, blood mix
creating a thick
bond that hold them all
together

A man
stood on the top
with a lash
in one hand
an indisputable rage
on the other
ensuring suffering
for every soul

From
where I lied
his eyes pierced
profoundly
making me bleed
even more than my body could
and right then I knew
my time was over

As I waited for my final tumble
along with other pathetic souls
my mind could not bear to think
how one could self-righteously
inflict so much pain
and how one could be so deserving
of such

Screaming
voices echoed
people fell
towards the pit of foggy darkness
the sound of pain wounded my senses
unbearably
it made me want to go
fall next
and end it

Inside me
was an angry screaming voice
contesting I didn’t deserve this
but also
a squeaky little hopeful one
begging for mercy
the man’s
focus was immobile
as if oblivion had
shielded all of his senses
and my turn
got closer
by the

second.

I have never really

thanked you
for letting me into
your life
without reservations
or asking anything in return
and you should know
that no one
ever dared to do
anything like it before
your kindness healed me
and made me turn to
a certain hopeful
direction
my life’s once
in an undeserving place
until you held me
with your arms
and picked me up
and convinced me
that life wants me too
you made me see
how selfish I had been
for constantly searching
errors in beauty
for trying so hard to find
sadness in every opportunity
for closing every door
happiness knocks on
and for believing
death was the only escape
while I could see
with my own eyes
how had life
been way more unforgiving for you
than it would ever be for me
since then I wondered,
how I could take you away
from all the pain life has to offer
and I thought of a perfect plan:
As you read this
there is something
you should know
there is nothing else
I would ever desire
to do than be with you
to hold you, protect you
to my last breath
until we part on this earth
and meet again
on the other side

Your love has set me free.

Soaked

underwater
sunken
cold
submerged
diluted
hearing nothing
but heavy
far away
nauseous
sounds
blurry sights
from above
the surface
flashed
uncertainty
and paranoia
eyes sore from
harshness of the water
lips, skin, wrinkled and numb
whole body
tensed
and uneasy
struggling to
avoid
an undertow
of horrid
thoughts
every minute
took away
air from lungs
chest hardened
from the incapability to breathe
wouldn’t feel a living heart
in it anymore
sight, whole mind failed
robbed of any sense
and the instinct
to go on
but
where
I floated
felt
somewhat safe
free
and
a few feet
distant
from
disregard
humbly
waiting
hoping
begging
to drown
and disappear
I never
wanted to
surface
back up

Far away

keeping a distance
decent and safe
a meter or two
away from where they stand
secrets
hidden in point
unreachable
afraid
ashamed
to be seen
holding a sin
with hands
filthy
and ignorant
trembling in consciousness
abhorring every second
it pushes in
and heaves out
but
beneath the pit
within the layers
a
piece
of innocent
honesty
lurks

Scents

far away
pouring in
pictures
one
goes
on top
of another
sending in
scenes
sour
and sweet
from places
blurry
distant
heavy waters
flow
gush
from inside
of a shallow
hole
infinitely making
things
reachable

Street fogged

hands clasped
together
by his chest
cold air mixed with
heat of his breath
knees slightly
trembling
hunger
surged
weak
borrowing
strength
from forces
unknown
coming forth
head swirling
hurricane trapped inside
wildly wanting
to come out
he stops
looks
at her
directly
at her eyes
from where
he stands
four or five feet
away from where
she does
he whispers
love me

So he sleeps

with eyes closed but all other senses open his ears to noises forcing their way in and out through every hole of his body as he lays on the bed full of sharp objects his skin bleeds insanely his whole body soaked in thick carnal blood he reeks of rotten flesh of his own dead soul pitiful and guilty he couldn’t stand the smell and vomits his guts out from time to time his tongue tastes like bile bitter and hard and sick now his whole head spins like crazy he wishes he can die at the time but simply never could he’s meant to rot alive

Chest on the floor

pull both your hands 

slowly from the sides 

up 

to the sides of your shoulders 

may you be on dirt 

cement 

vinyl 

or what have you 

feel the ground 

hear the throb from within 

gradually coming out 

shut your eyes (it’s as good as dark) 

do not pay attention  

to the noise 

or the uncomfortable silence, 

to the gaze from around you 

as if piercing from your back through 

pressing you down  

and limiting your strength 

the pain may be impossible 

wounds you’ll discover later on 

may even leave scars 

but (later on) 

as you look at them, feel them with your hands 

and try to remember when and  

how you got them 

they’ll be remembrance 

of something you will naturally forget 

as you clasp your hands 

just as slowly 

as you push 

your torso up 

you will feel tension 

around your arms 

unbearable 

it will seem 

small dots may start to appear 

on your forehead 

do not let them get in the way 

the worst 

part is over, 

you will realize, 

when you finally 

find the strength 

and ignore gravity (that no one really sees) 

to move your thighs up 

so that the knee touches 

the ground 

and supports you 

left first (or right) 

whichever instinct prefers 

then both 

You will immediately push (if not propel) further up 

with the help of your arms 

now stronger 

and shame-free 

before you know it 

(you’ll be amazed, hopefully, not surprised) 

you’ll be up on your feet 

once again 

Have you been

Enslaved
By love so strong
It breaks you
As it hits you
Scarring you
To the bones
Have you been
Caught
In a cage so cruel
Suffocating, strangulating
From ceiling
To the floor
Have you been
Numbed
By a thousand
Unlawful lashes
Skin after skin
Drops after sad
Pitiful drops of blood
I had no choice too
As I succumbed
To the feat of
My fear
It seems endless
and you just want to let go
but you can’t
but you sure are held
helpless
enslaved
caught
numbed
and no matter
how painful
You just want to go on

Wouldn’t it be nice

if the world ended today

we’d be stuck in a place

a room, for example

we hold hands

pray to some god

then earth would suddenly open

and all of us would just fall in its endless darkness

along with it’s soil and everything man built on top of it

wouldn’t it be nice

if it rained purely of lightning

no waters, not even wind

just good old dancing lights

and electrification

waking up every man’s senses

before fully exterminating them

or hey, wouldn’t it be nice too

if fire and ice struck everywhere

hitting every bodies small and big

crushing and burning all sorts of bones

until not even crumbles, but dusts

dance with the air

wouldn’t it be nice if this world died today

along with its hideousness brought upon

by people it nurtured

but did everything to make turn it into such

hostile place

then those who struggled would be some place else

far more more promising

and intact

just thought it’d be nice

Locked

It was painful

locking the door

I learned to open

for a long time

once again

I was back to choosing

being exiled from the rest of world

too many voices

stand on the other side

the wall, as thick as a thousand bricks

was made very thin by

disorientation

I woke up today, sick

and sad,

miserable, even

from yesterday’s clouds

it’s interesting how a short time of

disparity could turn love not even to hatred

but sad indifference

which was far more killing

than all loathing combined in this world

how could yesterday faithfully believed

today would come with another sunshine

No, doesn’t work that way, I figured now

I looked at the clock

it ticked 2:30 AM

my instinct ordered to me to glance

at my side right away

you weren’t there

not anymore

you left me clearly, sleeping

didn’t bother to wake me up

not even a good bye?

I thought it was OK

I said it was OK

A part of me convinced me it was

tried so fucking hard to

but did a very bad job

yesterday wasn’t the best

it was one of those we struggled to get through

but it never struck me really

that it could come to something like this

and as waters built up and

stood by edges of my eyes

I read your message

I needed time to think

I cant be with you

not today

and that’s when the walls gave up

tears

hot, steamy

started flowing

down my face

the embarrassment

of having to cry was really painful

but I couldn’t help it

everything poured down

as if years worth of smiling, laughing

pure happiness

I had with you

all had gushed out and flooded down

all sense left within the four walls of this room

drained me dry, again I was back to

the same scary place I was before you picked me up

I never wanted to be back to the old

miserable, pathetic, angry, unwelcoming

me

I was scared

so fucking scared

it’s nauseatingly quiet

and the only noise I hear are my own sobs

hearing them made me cry even more

as if a thousand needles stuck me everywhere

I was angry

and

pitiful all over again

I miss you

very much

and the most hurtful part was

I couldn’t make you

happy

enough

to

stay

Dear You,

Remember the day
When I first had the idea
When I first thought of this plan
A pretty elaborate one
That from then and on
I’d pour every effort
To have a better look at this life
Well, I am still holding onto that word
It’s become a promise
I decided to make
For me, for you
You can call it a dream
An illusion if you want to be harsh
But it sure is something I still haven’t given up on
If I really was sleeping, now’s not the time to snap out of it just yet
I’ve been lonely
Very lonely, I’m sure you know that
But I get tired
This time I’ll try being OK
And have a good taste
Of this fondness people have for life
If you see me sad
I assure you it’s just an episode
If you see me angry
I ask you to understand
And hug me and tell me I can go on
And remind me that sometimes forgetting is a tool I can use at my disposal
It’s not the end,
I refuse to think that it is
And yes, that’s a flip of how I would say it before I started this dream
Weakness is a funny thing
During hours of its strength
Its existence seems to make so much sense
It had always been something I’d turn to
But no, not anymore
It’s hard though
And I thank you for helping me.

Yours,
You

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Between life and death

People have to choose

finding value in life

and some,

fear, or relief, in death

some make every effort

to breathe

to claim

an uncommitted promise

happiness can often be uncertain,

pain is always for sure

but contentment and suffering

are a choice one makes everyday

but often and gravely overlooks

sadness could be an enslavement

and addiction, longing

a path pursued by those

who ask for love

and those who are blind to what it really looks

choosing numbness beyond all

time keeps running

forgetful of people behind

as only it could defy uncertainty

if people could only develop

the patience to hope and wait and strive

life and death

are both to fear

by those who see life as death

and those who see death as an end.

Rain doesn’t stop

When you want it to
The pouring
Heaves out thoughts
From within your quiet soul
They could make you
Break you
Turn you into
A hundred different things
And the numbness of the air
Yields submission
The cold wind
Dances in front of your face
Dries up any kind
Of wetness in your eyes
While small drops
Of water
Tick and tack
On the surface of
Your sanity
Questioning things
You cannot change