Locked

It was painful

locking the door

I learned to open

for a long time

once again

I was back to choosing

being exiled from the rest of world

too many voices

stand on the other side

the wall, as thick as a thousand bricks

was made very thin by

disorientation

I woke up today, sick

and sad,

miserable, even

from yesterday’s clouds

it’s interesting how a short time of

disparity could turn love not even to hatred

but sad indifference

which was far more killing

than all loathing combined in this world

how could yesterday faithfully believed

today would come with another sunshine

No, doesn’t work that way, I figured now

I looked at the clock

it ticked 2:30 AM

my instinct ordered to me to glance

at my side right away

you weren’t there

not anymore

you left me clearly, sleeping

didn’t bother to wake me up

not even a good bye?

I thought it was OK

I said it was OK

A part of me convinced me it was

tried so fucking hard to

but did a very bad job

yesterday wasn’t the best

it was one of those we struggled to get through

but it never struck me really

that it could come to something like this

and as waters built up and

stood by edges of my eyes

I read your message

I needed time to think

I cant be with you

not today

and that’s when the walls gave up

tears

hot, steamy

started flowing

down my face

the embarrassment

of having to cry was really painful

but I couldn’t help it

everything poured down

as if years worth of smiling, laughing

pure happiness

I had with you

all had gushed out and flooded down

all sense left within the four walls of this room

drained me dry, again I was back to

the same scary place I was before you picked me up

I never wanted to be back to the old

miserable, pathetic, angry, unwelcoming

me

I was scared

so fucking scared

it’s nauseatingly quiet

and the only noise I hear are my own sobs

hearing them made me cry even more

as if a thousand needles stuck me everywhere

I was angry

and

pitiful all over again

I miss you

very much

and the most hurtful part was

I couldn’t make you

happy

enough

to

stay

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